What Happens When We Don’t Speak Up Part 1

Did you watch the TV Series “Ted Lasso?”

If not, quick highlights: Ted coached a British football team from the bottom to the top of the sport. There are many examples of moments in this show where Ted dealt with conflict within his team.

One of the first conflicts he had to deal with was between himself and his team members, many of whom doubted his ability to coach in a sport where he had never worked.

He also had to mediate conflict between Roy Kent, the aging team captain, and Jamie Tartt, the up-and-coming superstar. Ted managed to take a relationship rooted in distrust and anger, and turn it into one that was healthier and more productive.

But today we’re going to look at something else: Ted’s marriage.

Why? Because it’s a great example of what happens when you experience conflict and lack of trust, but you don’t speak up.

When Ted moved to England, he left his wife and 8-year-old son at home in Kansas. Ted and his wife had grown apart, and they went to couple’s counseling to deal with the issues in their marriage. Ted’s wife saw his constant optimism as a front for deeper concerns, and he was persistently positive, despite what we learn is a decades-long history of trauma.

They couldn’t open up to each other, which caused their conflict to deepen.

Reflection Time: Copy and paste this question to journal on later (and if you would like report back to me, happy to be a sounding board to you):

What is the most recent challenging situation you faced with your team?

What were the impacts of not speaking up?

When you face a major issue that threatens the stability of your team – it can seem easier to let it go unaddressed for weeks, months or even years.

But the more you avoid conflict, the bigger it gets.

Let’s say you’re still not sure if conflict exists.

That was Ted Lasso’s problem. He told his team’s owner that his wife said his “constant optimism was too much.”

Ted used positivity to avoid difficult situations, such as in the show’s early episodes where, when called names by the team’s fans, he responded with a smile and a thumbs-up instead of defending himself and his record as a championship-winning coach.

Throughout the series, we saw him begin to harness his negative experiences to become a better leader. This was particularly notable in the second season, when Ted began to confront his past in therapy.

When you have a conflict, you might be like Ted – and try to avoid it altogether.

Not sure how to identify conflict on your team?

Here is an example of an obvious symptom to look for:

BODY LANGUAGE – TONE OF VOICE, EXAGGERATED GESTURES, OR SILENCE

Example: during team meetings, you might notice that when someone disagrees, they roll their eyes, sigh loudly, or cross their arms defensively. When offering feedback, their tone of voice might be sharp or sarcastic, indicating frustration or disdain. Alternatively, some team members might remain completely silent, avoiding eye contact and not contributing to discussions, even when their input is crucial. This kind of body language can create a tense atmosphere and signal that there is underlying conflict or discomfort.

Here is an example of a not-so-obvious symptom to look for:

INCREASED COMPLAINTS, WORK-AROUNDS AND DISAGREEMENTS

Example: you might overhear more grumbling about missed deadlines or how someone isn't pulling their weight. Instead of directly addressing these issues with the person involved, team members might start bypassing them altogether, finding other ways to get their work done. This could look like someone going to another department for help instead of working things out with their colleague. You might also notice more frequent disagreements about the quality of work or unclear expectations, which can escalate into bigger conflicts if not addressed.

Looking for a way out of your team’s conflict? Stay tuned for solutions and drop a comment below with your conflict resolution tool.